Saudade

At one point it became somewhat confusing of what I was actually feeling.

It wasn’t the feeling of sadness when you wait for something to hit you so intensely that you break down in non-stop tears flowing from half-swollen, eyes and then to stop suddenly feeling relieved that you let it all out.

It wasn’t the feeling of nostalgia either where you wistfully wish for the reoccurrence of the affectionate memories from the past because you know howsoever you try to recreate the old days, something or someone will always be missing.

In search of the answers to questions unending, to dissipate the confusion of contemplating, to see the signs and actually understand them too, saudade felt like the right word to describe the emotion at that moment and now.

Saudade is something untranslatable from Portuguese. Yet, something which refers to melancholic longing but not nostalgia. Something dreamy and wistful but not poignant sadness. Something you feel but you cannot describe or translate from any language spoken in the universe. Something so deep or so hollow that the realizing what you feel almost blames you for feeling it. Something which is just there in spite of all the efforts.

Something very saudade.

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